It has been said people remember not what you do, but how you made them feel. I’m not a “quick to make you feel at ease” type of person. I pull no punches and say awkward things at the most inappropriate times. I also have a habit of saying too much all at once (too often). I am only aware of these instances after the moment has passed. Most of the time I have an objective, or a goal to accomplish because I see right through all the bull, the masks and the lies people tell themselves for their objectives and goals. Nevertheless, I have become more aware of the havoc I create by acting as my own form of “The Justice League” instead of looking within myself. I think I am helping someone when in reality, I am only serving myself. It’s a delicate balance to develop a social filter.
I serve at The Rock Church every Sunday either as a camera person or a Producer. I enjoy serving – A LOT. I like to observe worship with all the lights, the sounds and multitudes raising their arms in submission. I get all teary in a way that “allows” me to feel when I see others acknowledge the Spirit moving about the room. This is only a recent revelation. Why?
I’m saying “I” a lot here because focusing on myself is something I love to avoid to the point of making all emotion unavailable. This is an extremely slow process that happens over a very long time of isolation – even in the midst of those who love me or crowds of people. I cannot confidently say I “feel” anything in between ultimate joy or acute fear unless lazy is counted on an emotion. This is something I want to change desperately. Specifically for the reason that people I interact with on a regular basis do not know how to read me. I mean, it’s getting pretty bad when someone approaches me with a puzzled look on their face when they ask “How are things?”.
Emotion is a scary thing. It creates anarchy in the brain when unchecked and isolation when it’s out of balance. Emotion when it is in balance allows us to enhance the human experience by sharing life through joy or empathy. I recently RE-learned that smiling, genuinely smiling, more often – affects everyone around me. Which brings me to the core of my fear – I don’t like to be responsible for someone else’s unhappiness, rejection or dissatisfaction. Choosing not to react is an odd choice to make slowly over time.
Serving and spending more time in the Word has gently helped me to face the way God sees me. Since I stopped reacting to how the world sees me I am feeling mostly peaceful but I admit I am still way out of balance. I’m far from feeling burnt out because when I serve or study I feel one step closer to the person God created me to be.